Archive for September, 2008

I’m no mathematician

Tuesday, September 30, 2008 at 8:32 pm · Filed under Social Adventures ·Tagged , ,

We all know the above title to be true. Unless it’s calculating down and distance, RBIs or batting averages, math and I are not friends.

But tonight. Ah tonight. Tonight I made my high school math teachers proud. Today was a moment of reference that they could use to tell their current students why math is important.

I have been a flurry of moving boxes as of late. Finding apartments, showing my current place, my day job, which is only for another few days…life has been busy. But tonight I finally remembered that I wanted to put my ginormous TV on craigslist because it’s not making the trip to Louisiana.

As I sat down to type my classified ad, I realized that I didn’t know how big the TV actually was. So I thought to myself, self, how will anyone know exactly how big ginormous is? I should really post a size on my ad.

So I pulled out a ruler and measured the screen’s length and height. Then used the ol’ Pythagorean Theorem to find the diagonal measurement. I’m so resourceful.

a2+b2=c2

And I found that ‘ginormous’ is approximately 50 inches.

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Breaking news

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 at 8:17 pm · Filed under Social Adventures

I, for one, am shocked. Absolutely stunned.

Breaking News

How does this warrant the cover of People Magazine? This is not news. The next thing you know they are going to have a cover story on Brangelina adopting a baby.

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Polishing my southern accent

Monday, September 22, 2008 at 6:58 pm · Filed under Social Adventures

It’s official. I’m moving to Louisiana!

I have accepted a job as the Associate Director of Athletic Communications for a D1 university in the state shaped like a boot.

When I stumbled upon this job posting at the end of July, I about fell out of my seat. Check this out:

Responsibilities include, but are not limited to: serving as the primary media contacat and traveling with several of the university’s athletic teams, including baseball and serving as the secndary football contact.

The successful candidate (that’d be me!) will serve as liason to members of the media, produce media guides (design, layout, writing and editing), write news releases and game notes, compile statistics at athletic events, assist in maintaining the Athletics website, work athletic events, assist with production of the university’s gameday football program and assist with office management.

The successful candidate with report to the Asst. Athletic Director for Athletic Communications and will work directly with selected teams to effectively promote and publicize the department of athletics and its studetn-athletes through campus, local, regional, hometown and national media outlets. The successful candidate must have experience writing for and communicating with diverse populations.

So right. It’s about the most perfect job for me. I thought so too.

Even the people at my current place are excited for me. They understand how exciting this is for me and I can’t thank them enough for their support. I was really dreading telling them. Especially The Wendy. But I knew I would be ok when she dragged me through the office–a la my favorite border crossing sign–to the nearest exit so she could go outside and hug me and scream in excitement for me. Nevermind that when we hit the door, it was locked so the side of my face was almost smooshed against the glass. It was kinda funny.

Now my last two weeks in CA will be spent packing my apartment and getting ready for a new chapter in my life. I will be eating a lot of In-N-Out because they don’t have those there and I am openly accepting the recipes from Taqueria Rosita so I can learn to make some killer mexican food to get myself through the inevitable cravings.

I leave October 7 (I know. In addition to accepting the recipes from Taqueria, I’m also accepting boxes and help packing. Feel free to join in the fun) and I am pleased to announce that KK and I installed WP on insertmynamehere[dot]com so I will soon be switching over to that domain and chronicling my new adventures, aptly dubbed, “Life 2.0″ (KK was a creative–and putin’–genius today!)

Hooray for Life 2.0!

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Watch out, comin’ through, lady with a baby!

Thursday, September 18, 2008 at 11:24 pm · Filed under Social Adventures, Thoughts & Ponderings ·Tagged , , ,

I have an affinity for babies. I heart them. I really want one but not in the crazy-made-for-Lifetime-movie sorta way. I just really can’t wait to be a mom. Insert shocked face here.

Today, HJ let me practice for a few hours. Oh man. It was the most fabulous couple hours ever.

As soon as I arrived, littlebabygirlHearn was just waking from a nap (four month olds sleep a lot) and I was the happiest person ever because that meant that I didn’t have to wake her up to play. She was so cute and cuddly. And she can almost fit her tiny little fist in her mouth.

LBGH likes to explore. Her eyes are constantly taking in every sight, her head on a swivel. We looked at her in the mirror and her toothless, drool-laced smile at her own reflection made me hold her tighter. We walked around the house and danced without music. I heated her bottle and we snuggled on the couch as she slurped that down, her tiny fingers wrapped tightly around my single pinky. I just sat and smiled. She burped. It was a good one. Upstairs for a diaper change and it didn’t even phase me (note- a four month old’s baby poop doesn’t smell yet) as she giggled up at me from the changing table.

We played and danced some more after her feeding and changing. We cruised upstairs to her room to scan the book collection. I pulled out Peter Rabbit, my personal favorite, and began reading about Peter’s adventures in Mr. McGregor’s garden and LBGH went to town on her pacifier.

She was this perfect little sack of potatoes in a pink-striped onesie.

After her book, I got the cranky-ready-for-a-nap cry and I held her in my arms, rubbed her back and sang softly until her eyelids gently closed.


It was the most perfect, serene moment I have experienced in a long time.

It made me realize so many small things that I hope I get a chance to experience–like getting to rock my own baby to sleep with a lullaby and how if they are tired, I’m the only one who they will want to hold them. Or when they get a little bigger, I can take my kids to a pumpkin patch in the fall and watch them climb on bales of hay. I am so excited at the possibility of those moments that the very thought of not ever having them scares me to tears.

I have gotten back into my Jon & Kate plus Eight Monday night routine. Regardless of the Aunt Jodi drama, my j&k haitus did me good. Because I watched the episode where they went “camping” in their own backyard. Kate was so tickled to see the expressions on her kids’ faces at the thought of going camping in their backyard, that it made me think about all the small things that may end up being big things to my children and how I hope and pray that I will have a chance to have these small moments, along with the big ones. j&k took the kids camping…not to a ‘fancy campground’ (is that an oxymoron? Probably.) or somewhere far away. Just their backyard. And they roasted marshmellows and made s’mores and slept in tents. In the pouring rain. Because the kids were too excited to cancel the ‘trip’. So Kate sucked it up and did it for them. So kudos to her. I hope that I get to have an opportunity to take my kids camping in the backyard in the pouring rain. And I will be thankful that I had an opportunity to do it. To have them roast marshmellows and watch their faces light up at the thought of the experience.

I think of lots of things that I hope I get to do with my kids. I think of first steps and first words. I know it’s lame but I cried when channel surfing landed me on Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood when their son took his first steps. Yep, I’m that chick.

All these thoughts brought on by the small sack of potatoes in the pink-striped onesie. I can’t wait for my own sack of potatoes.

HJ, congrats on having a perfect baby. Now can I borrow her again?

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Talk to me Goose

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 11:27 pm · Filed under Thoughts & Ponderings

I am jealous of this.

Someday…

<sigh>

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A girl, a side ponytail and a neon scrunchie

Friday, September 12, 2008 at 7:54 am · Filed under Social Adventures ·Tagged , , , ,

My aunt June passed away this week. She was actually my great aunt–oldest sister to my horseshit-and-gunsmoke grandma. She was 87 and I didn’t really know her well, mostly because she lived in Nebraska and also because she scared the holy bejesus out of me. She was very stern. She was also extremely religious. Extremely. However, I do have one memory of her that stands out and it happens to involve a Star Stage Microphone so it’s worth telling.

I don’t know if anyone remembers what exactly a Star Stage Microphone was, but it was the vehicle which pretty much allowed me to be Debbie Gibson at the tender age of 6. It was a microphone on a stand that swivled around and had a pedal on either side so I could make my voice echo (left pedal) or carry the note that I was belting out (right pedal), should I deem it necessary during my performance.

At one particular family reunion (the only one we’ve ever had of substantial size and caliber–we rented out a whole resort!), I was about 6, and I insisted on bringing my Star Stage Microphone so I could compete in the talent competition. When you have a family the size of a small infantry, you can do these kinds of things. So the night of the talent competition rolled around and I had one of the women in my family put my hair in a side ponytail that was secured with a neon scrunchie (because really, that was the only way to wear your hair) and I marched to the front of the room (there wasn’t really a stage) with my cassette tape, my boombox and my Star Stage Microphone in hand, very impressed with my “professional setup”.

Wanting to surprise everyone, I hadn’t told my mom what it was that I wanted to sing for the talent show.

I can assure you that she, and everyone else, including my dear, so-very-religious Aunt June, were aghast that my song of choice was late 80s Madonna, Like a Virgin.

Oh yes. Yes I did. I belted out every word to that tune, not having the slightest clue that a 6-year-old singing something about being touched for the very first time might be inappropriate. Just maybe.

I think I gave Auntie June a heart attack. My mother wasn’t far behind her. But man did I rock that night.

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A bottle of orange juice

Thursday, September 11, 2008 at 11:51 pm · Filed under Thoughts & Ponderings

My mom used to tell this story about me from when I was little. I was young–too young for school, but too old to still want a baby bottle of orange juice. The clue that told her I was too old was probably something like me climbing on the counter and fixing the bottle myself. So one day, she asked me, ‘when do you think you’re going to be too old for that and put the bottle away?’ I responded with, ‘when the kids go back to school,’ meaning the older kids in our neighborhood who would soon start school in the fall. Clue number 2: I was talking in complete sentences. But then that first day of school came for the kids and I gave up my bottle of orange juice, just like that.

I wish so desperately that I had that same characteristic right now. I wish I could tell myself to stop feeling the way that I do and then just do it. Flip the switch and be done. I want to be done with my bottle of orange juice.

This week was a hard week. Lots of ups and downs. For the record, these ups and downs have tired me out but now that it’s after 11pm, funny how my eyes won’t close. It has been a test of wills for me this week. All the new and exciting things in my life that I want to share with him, but knowing that he isn’t my sounding board anymore. So I resisted the urge. And I keep telling myself, I am really good at faking normalcy. Like super really good at pretending that I’m fine. Hell, I did it for two years of knowing him, what’s a couple more go arounds? It’s so much so that I have turned it into a game with myself and figure the longer I can hold out, the prouder I should be of myself. It’s a little masochistic, if you really think about it. After one particular high note this week, I actually hit his speed dial in my phone (yes, his speed dial is still in there, along with other things I haven’t brought myself to get rid of because they are the only pieces of him that I have left. They were words he shared only with me and there are still times when I need them), only to slap the phone shut with a shake of my head and a feeling of astonishment that the autopilot still exists in my mind. But I didn’t crack and call.

So tonight I had cake batter ice cream for dinner because I thought that would cheer me up. Well that was a mistake for a number of reasons. For starters, ice cream does not a dinner make. Secondly, I haven’t actually consumed that much in the past couple days because when big things happen–good or bad big things–I get a nervous stomach and can’t keep food down very well. So this week was good for at least three pounds. But that being said, if one hasn’t eaten much of late, ice cream maybe isn’t the best thing to go for. And third, it just is a reminder of this.

I miss him. I miss the best friend more than anything. I look at him and want to go back to the last time he held me so I can feel his arms again and feel safe and normal. Everyone tries to tell you ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ or ‘hey, aren’t you glad this happened before you married him’. No. No I’m not glad. Because it shoulda been me. That is MY life. But what gets me “through”–that makes this the slightest bit easier–is the fact that he didn’t trust in us enough and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t trust in the “us” of the relationship enough. He didn’t know that I loved him enough to weather a storm with him. I would have if he’d asked me to. He was that important to me. But he didn’t ask. I don’t know that he wanted to, maybe that’s why he didn’t ask. Who knows.

So all that I have learned is why you can’t be best friends with an ex. Answer: Because it’s inappropriate if the aforementioned ex has someone new. Because you no longer have any business claiming him as your best friend. And that’s the part that is the hardest to deal with.

All I know is that I could really use that bottle of orange juice.

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Update: Dumpster Diving, part deux

Monday, September 8, 2008 at 10:28 pm · Filed under Social Adventures

I tried to use my Banana Republic gift card this weekend.

There was nothing on it. I went through the garbage for nothing.

I was sad.

So I bought summer-to-fall transition sweaters. It made sense in my head at the time.

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A grapeleaf? How interesting…

Thursday, September 4, 2008 at 9:26 pm · Filed under Social Adventures ·Tagged , , , ,

I went to Target last night. An original way to spend a Wednesday night, I know. But I hadn’t been in like, 3 whole days and you should all know by now that I need a good TGT fix every few days to continue functioning (and also to plan the big redecoration of my house that will actually take place only in my head).

As I browsed the aisles with a 12-pack (of coke…I’m fully stocked with Coors Lites thanks to my brother housesitting a few weeks ago) and a box of hair dye, I decided it was time to go home. As I approached the check out counter, I went to swipe my debit card because with the advent of the debit card, we also all know that I never carry cash. Ever. I will run a debit card on a $2.19 coffee. It didn’t go through (which the checker so graciously announced to the line that had formed behind me. I sighed and told her to run it as a credit card instead and as I went to swipe it again, I noticed it. The dreaded expiration date. That said 08/08. Yesterday would be considered 09/08.

To quote Emily: Fail!

Now, I guess I shoulda prefaced this story with the fact that I also do all my banking online. Therefore have zero need for the paper statements, which are still delivered to my parents house, which I inevitably tear up and throw away.

Rewind to Monday night when I was over there having dinner and my mom handed me my mail. I thumbed through, ripped up and tossed in the kitchen garbage.

Bad idea for someone whose debit card, aka sole method of financial dependence is due to expire.

Return to TGT. I sigh again write a dumb check like it’s 1987 and take my coke and hair dye and proceed to the car where I try to reach my parents because it has occurred to me that Thursdays are garbage days in the BV and that means the trash gets taken out on Wednesday night so I must catch them before that happens. I had a sinking feeling that what I had ripped up on Monday night was my new debit card.

Of course, no one answered so I drove over and let myself into the empty house and made a beeline to the kitchen garbage.

Empty.

Boo.

So I proceed to grumble all the way out to the garbage can on the side house where the cans had yet to be pulled to the curb.

And it was then that I hit my low and began to dig through the garbage. Classy.

I found coffee grounds (which I later had to clean from under my nails), the old veggies that clearly hadn’t made it to the table but had died a disgusting death in the crisper, lots of dryer sheets and old college notes that must have belonged to my brother, which were covered in all of the aforementioned items…it was GROSS.

At one point, my hopes were raised when I saw a magnetic strip. On a high note, it turned out to be a perfectly good Banana Republic gift card. But alas, no new ATM card. As I continued through the second (and thankfully, last) bag, I found the piece of mail I had ripped up on Sunday. Hooray!

It was a statement and not a card.

I dug through the garbage for nothing.

Major fail.

I was so disgusted that after I disinfected my entire upper body just to be safe, I helped myself to icecream and my dad’s recliner and watched Baseball Tonight. It made for an interesting story when they walked in and saw me with my feet up and a very large bowl of chocolate chip icecream.

As a side note, icecream can make anything feel better. Whoever invented it deserves a big hug. After I explained to my parents why I had been digging through their garbage, they told me they never saw any mail for me that looked like it might contain a bank card and I had probably dug through the garbage for nothing. Thank you for that insight.

I promptly informed the president of the bank that I was in need of a new ATM/Debit card and vacated the recliner.

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