Bored & (sometimes) Witty

OK, so the headline doesn’t really go with the point of the post, but any chance I have to throw out some Rascal Flatts lyrics and I’m on it…

Here’s the thing. When you have lived in a town for your whole life (all 24 years of it), your mom and dad grew up there and your dad starts a bank in said town, and your 2 brothers were record-setting athletes at one of the local high schools, odds are good you’re gonna know a few people. So while the following story might be considered crazy and random to some, it pretty much makes me feel like I’m living in Mayberry and canning fruits with Aunt Bea later while my little brothers head to the fishin’ hole.

Point in case:

On Tuesday, after the stress that is my life finally got to me, I splurged and scheduled a massage for this afternoon to prevent myself from cracking up. Well, of course, stuff came up and I had to call and cancel it yesterday. Which sucks because you can only use your Napa Valley resident discount Monday-Thursday, so now I gotta wait a whole 4 days and even then it’s not super convenient and the bubble bathes just aren’t really cutting it anymore. But I digress. Upon dialing, I was connected to the spa, at which point the following conversation ensued:

Spa: Thank you for calling Amadeus Spa. This is Lisa, how can I provide you with excellent service today?
Me: Hi Lisa, this is Colleen [insert last name here] and I have a massage appointment scheduled for tomorrow at 4 and I need to cancel it.
Lisa: Hi Colleen [insert last name here] from Vichy Elementary. I would be happy to cancel that for you.

Dude!

So while it was creepy for a split second, I then realized it was my very best friend from 6th grade who I haven’t seen since then and we made plans to have drinks soon.

It was also at this point that I realized I needed to move and branch out a bit. I’m now considering taking up residence somewhere in the South. Then I can have my southern drawl and no one will find it odd.

Now that I’m an “adult” (totally rolling my eyes at that one) I have all these crazy adult responsibilities. I gotta pay bills, I gotta balance my checkbook, I gotta go to work everyday, all that good stuff. I gotta try and figure out what the hell I wanna do with my life…but I still like to think about all the stuff I used to consider important and life-altering in my young little mind.

The important things that ruled my life–like, for instance, how come I didn’t talk to my first boyfriend after our first kiss? Granted, I moved back to Napa from Santa Cruz a few weeks after (said move may have been the catalyst for his actions that night at the BBQ with both our families) and at the tender age of 11, the term “boyfriend” only implies that you have someone who will pass you the basketball during recess, but looking back that was a huge night that somehow got lost in the shuffle. I had the 5th grade equivalent to a one-night stand and I would think that it would carry a little more weight. Hmm.

Or how when my mom would take me to the Capitola Mall, she’d let me pick out lotions from Victoria’s Secret then she’d pick a few (they always had that buy 3 get 1 free deal) and they we’d share them when we got home. Or sometimes we’d get Butterfinger Blizzards from the Dairy Queen at the mall. It’s quite possibly the reason that I am the Cold Stone cakebatter icecream fiend I am today. Thanks Mom.

When I was little, my dad used to take me to feed the horses that were by our first house in Napa. I used to try and feed the horses a piece of “tookie”. I was a good sharer. Now the pasture where the horses were is a little street I like to call Von Elite Ranch Road. Thanks a lot residents of said street.

KK Delight sang the Jem and the Holograms theme song today in my office. My office. Again, with the adultisms. At any rate, I was a HUGE Jem fan. Because really, Jem is outrageous. Truly truly truly outrageous.

There were lots of things that seemed so huge and earth-shattering when I was like, 12. I always wanted a phone in my room. A phone. Are you kidding me? Now I can’t wait for that thing to stop ringing. Except when it rings the 16 Candles theme song. I like that song.

I also liked red ropes. My dad would take my brother and me to the football games and as little kids we were more engrossed with trips to the snackbar than the sidelines, but he’d let us get a red rope and then he’d get to watch the game and we’d get our foot-long red necklaces that doubled as candy. Ingenious idea–whoever created red ropes deserves a hug.

But thank goodness some things don’t change. I still get Snackin’ Cake on my birthday. Snackin’ Cake trumps creme brulee in my dessert list. In fact, it trumps most anything edible. Ever.

So now that my walk down memory lane is complete, I’m gonna try and remember to not make huge deals outta stuff because odds are good that I will look back in 10 years and not think they were the be-all-end-all. Or maybe the ones I didn’t think were big at the time became bigger over time. I’m sure there’s a famous quote that is applicable in there somewhere, but I can’t think of it right now.

All I know is this: DQ Butterfinger Blizzards? Good. Red Ropes? Good. Snackin’ Cake? Good.

Amirite?

Craptastic. That’s the word I think of when I have to describe my week.

First of all, I am thisclose to purchasing a BB gun to shoot out my neighbors’ back porch light because apparently they think it necessary to keep it on all through the night. That’s swell. Nevermind that it shines RIGHT in my window. At night. When the rest of the free world sleeps. If they had a good reason for keeping it on, more power to them. But they don’t. They pretty much just forget that they turned it on. I, however, didn’t forget that they turned it on.

Then I had the doctors appointment from hell. I don’t even want to go there. I have not slept well the past 2 nights. When I finally do fall asleep, I have horrible nightmares. I have never been a nightmare person, but apparently I am now. I finally fell asleep last night after watching the “What Not to Wear” marathon, which I’m considering applying for and was having a terrible nightmare about these kids tormenting me.

In the dream, I went to the golf course, saw my dad and the best man from his and my mom’s wedding and they asked me to join them, then ditched me. So when I left the course, I was attacked in my car by these kids who couldn’t have been more than 21. It was awful. I couldn’t escape and I was trying to flag down police and I was screaming. Then there was this very cute but very precocious little 4 year old who I was supposed to be in charge of and I couldn’t protect her against these hooligans who were harassing me for S&Gs.

Luckily The Chad woke me up. He and Mike were on their way home from Del Mar and decided that 1:40 in the morning was the appropriate time to discuss me coming to visit in 3 weeks. Then while we are at it, let’s plan for me coming to hang out with them in Chico the following weekend. Because again, the middle of the night is the best time.

And my horoscope today was the following (I HATE when it’s frighteningly accurate):
Don’t take it personally if a certain prospect you’ve been counting on turns out to be a wee bit unreliable. Everyone has to take care of business. Go about your own for a while, and you’ll soon reconnect.
So, see? It’s not MY fault you have your head up your ass. Still.

I thought that the best remedy for a craptastic week was some retail therapy. So I drove myself to the mall but I’m in the mood where I can’t justify spending since I’m vacationing in SoCal in 3 weeks and would rather spend there. Boo. On my way home from the mall, just to cap off my phenomenal week, I stepped in gum. Some ass clown thought it wise to spit his gum out right on the asphalt because that’s a good plan and I stepped in. That says so much.

I’m going back to take a nap. Maybe I can pull a Rip Van Winkle and when I wake up, it will be next year.

What if all of a sudden one day while you’re boppin’ along, someone tells you that your worst fear is going to come true? And there is nothing you can do to avoid it, except wait for it then ride it out.

Part of you rationalizes saying that whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. You snort at that lame justification but deep down you have to assume that life goes something like that.

I need one thing to go well. Not just getting by with mediocrity but actually getting EXCITED about something. Professional, personal, it doesn’t matter. Just excel. That’s all I want. And to not be afraid. But right now I am and I don’t feel like I have anything going exceptionally well to take my mind off of the fear. Even for a little bit. I don’t feel like I have anything but mediocrity to fall back on and that scares me.

So it looks like I’m back at square one.

My best day is the day we woke up after a lazy morning in sweats and me in no makeup. It was chilly and overcast outside and we finally got around to getting dressed in order to go out in public and eat since we were starving. Mexican food up valley it was, followed by a quick trip to Target because I was out of shampoo. I loved the every day errands with you.

We went back to the house and you watched golf on TV and I sat nearby in the Nook. Scrapper’s Block set in, you made fun of it and we cuddled on the couch. When we got antsy, you “threatened” to take me to the driving range, thinking I wouldn’t take you up on the offer. To your surprise, I did, then you quickly back pedaled saying I didn’t have to go and you were happy here. I smiled and we went. I liked doing things with you that you enjoyed; I liked that you wanted me to do it with you. I was nervous having you watch me. You were doing your own thing, but I knew you were sneaking glances since I was using your clubs which were too big for me and I can picture the smirk on your face watching my frustration and nervousness. You asked me to pick a target. I did. We aimed for a few geese. We missed. We laughed.

We got done and the light mist that had started when we got to the range was gone. We drove to get ice cream. I introduced you to cake batter at Cold Stone (I think–maybe you were being too nice to tell me you had discovered it before) and while we waited in line, you stood behind me; I was wrapped in your arms. That was always my favorite place. The two older women in front of us gave us looks that told me they thought we were cute together and when you made a joke about your ice cream choices, they chuckled along.

We got home and sat in the dining room, my head resting on the back of the chair as we talked about what was to come. I smiled; there were a few tears. I knew you weren’t thrilled about the situation either so I pasted on a smile so you’d think I’d be OK. I told you I didn’t want you to go just yet. We crawled back in the covers and the little daylight left turned to darkness but I didn’t notice because I was wrapped in your arms again. We got hungry late in the evening–it was long past dinner by this time. I ordered a pizza. You let me have my favorite. We went to pick it up and cozied up on the couch one last time. We woke up early in the morning and I watched you get in the car to head home. I watched out the window until I couldn’t see your taillights anymore. You are still the man that was my best day. You just don’t know it.